Better
by DreamLogic
Summary: she'll keep herself to herself as much as she can, and just keep putting one foot in front of the other, telling herself that it will get better, because even if she doesn't have the girl. Even if she never will, eventually things will get better. They have to. One shot - originally on AO3 and my Tumblr


As she is walking away, Mulan berates herself. She doesn't know how she could have been so stupid, going there in the first place. She knew that it was most probably going to end in heartbreak. No. There was no probably about it. She knew that it was going to end badly. She just needed to get it off her chest, because this, this state of emotional limbo that she somehow still finds herself in, was killing her. If anything that aching feeling in her chest has just intensified. But no. She couldn't even do what she went there to do.

She was too cowardly to even be rejected. At least maybe if she'd actually been rejected she could move on, but she couldn't do that to Aurora. Not when she was so _happy_. The girl that she approached was one so full of life and love and hope for the future, she couldn't bring herself to risk even the possibility of ruining that for the woman she loves. She is strong enough to carry on. She will eventually find someone who can love her back. As she keeps moving, she keeps telling herself this even though in this world that she now inhabits she'll be lucky to actually _meet anyone_ new beyond her new travelling companions in Robin Hood's band. She accepts that the odds are against her sure, but, she thinks to herself, worrying her lip in contemplation, that that has never stopped her before. Why should she let it stop her now? Where would it get her If she let something not going her way stop her? She can't let herself believe that she'll be stuck in this state of longing. She might go mad if she lets herself believe that.

Yes, she accepts that the circumstances are slightly different than anything she's faced before, but she's used to adversary. And yes, she's never really had to deal with this kind of heartache before, but she's a survivor. Carrying on is what she does. She has to believe that things are going to get better, because really from how she feels right now, the only way is up.

She knows that her abrupt departure probably wasn't the best way to go about leaving and that it in itself probably hurt the Princess, leaving without any real explanation. She could see the look of confusion and sadness that surrounded Aurora's eyes as she turned to walk away. But in that moment running away was the only option. She could feel her tears threatening to fall, she needed to leave before she fell to pieces before her eyes. She surmises Aurora will be sad at her departure, however, she also knows that Aurora has so much to look forward to, with the baby coming, with her life with Phillip, and that she most likely won't even have the opportunity to miss her. That if she does think of her, that it will not be accompanied by the same longing ache that fills her every time she so much as sees something that reminds her of the girl upon her travels.

Love is sacrifice. That's what she has always said. And she has sacrificed all that she is for this girl. Even before she was aware of it, from almost the moment that they really met, her life, her whole self has been wrapped around her. Firstly under the guise of honouring a promise to a dead man and then, just because she couldn't not be near her. She had held Aurora's heart in her hands, she had protected it. All she really wanted Aurora to know was that she held hers. She had had it for longer than she would care to admit. And the princess, She had such tight grip on it that it hurt, so tight that it felt like it was breaking, shattering under the pressure, whether she was aware of what she was doing or not.

In the ideal world all Mulan really wanted the princess to look after it the way that she had herself when she was literally in possession of the girl's. The way she would cherish the princess' heart if it were hers to guard. But this world that she lives in has been far from the perfect land for such a long time now that she doesn't know what she was expecting. And anyway, Aurora had Phillip. She already had her happy ending. Maybe if they had never found a way to bring back the prince things would have turned out differently. Maybe Aurora would be excitedly preparing for a life with her. If she wanted to she could kill herself with what ifs. The most important being 'what if she'd let me speak first'?

In all her wildest imaginings she still had never really anticipated that her affections would be returned. Only in the deepest recesses of her heart did she ever really hope that she would get the girl. That she would smile at her and tell her that she loves her too. That they could live happily ever after. Even if that was what she wanted, even in the best case scenarios she had just wanted, needed, the relief that would surely come if the girl that was also her _best friend_ shared the burden. She just didn't want to lose the girl completely. But for just one second she let her secret heart reign free. She let it rule her mind and heart the way that she always wanted. And now here she was. She could never have anticipated this, that Aurora way having a baby. Not this soon, at least.

Of course she was aware of the possibility, she's not stupid or naive enough to believe that there wasn't the chance of it happening. She knew that there was a chance, but she thought that she would have time to prepare. That maybe by the time it actually happened she would have moved on, or at least would have had enough time to be able to actually be happy for the pair. But it's too soon for her to even consider trying to remain close. Maybe once she can think about it without a build-up of tears clouding her vision or her heart fracturing more than it already has.

But for now, as she travels with a band of almost strangers, fervently trying to escape from reminders of what will never be hers, trying her hardest to remain the picture of the stoic warrior. She doesn't yet feel comfortable enough to show her emotions to them, nor does she ever really think that she will be, she's never really been the kind to share her feelings, and look at what happens when she tries. No she'll keep herself to herself as much as she can, and just keep putting one foot in front of the other, telling herself that it will get better, because even if she doesn't have the girl. Even if she never will, eventually things will get better. They have to.


End file.
